How Narcissism *Really* Looks- Part II

When discussing the Fall and the reason for the current condition of the human psyche, it is of course necessary to speak of the sin of our forefather Adam and of his wife Eve. However, if we want to look at the Fall even more closely, it is necessary to discuss the sin of that old serpent, the “star of the morning” who desired to make himself equal to the Most High and was cast down- along with a full third of the bodiless powers- from the heavens by St. Michael the Archangel. In light of this fact passed down to us by our Fathers and Mothers in the Faith, one can safely say that the true original sin was that of narcissism, or what the Fathers call “self-esteem”. Evil- the corruption and misuse of that which is good- was introduced into universe when an intelligent being thought of itself as so unique, so special, and so “different” that it deserved to be made an equal to God.

For the rest of this post, I will only speak of the “average” narcissism of most humans living after the Fall, not of the openly dangerous pathological narcissism of those suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. In the United States or the rest of the Western world, and at the time this is being written (2007 a.D.), one rarely sees a narcissistic person acting openly narcissistic. They won’t say, “I’m so beautiful and special… more than other people in fact. No one is like me!” The only exceptions I can think of are the "famous" celebrities like Paris Hilton who have enough money and popularity to act in an openly obnoxious way without fearing that their behavior will cause them to be ridiculed. For the rest of us who live in the shadow of these foolish idols, the manifestations of narcissistic behavior have to take on another form. Allow me to explain…

I am unlucky enough to live in South Florida. The residents of this tri-county area (Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade) have grown used to seeing their home cities portrayed on MTV and in various spring break specials. Due to this, they have developed a way of speaking, acting, laughing, sitting, walking, spending their money, and having relationships that betrays a disturbing fact: they seem to have a subconscious conviction that their every single move, thought, and act is being recorded by some unseen video camera. This is not something confined to a class or a particular ethnic group. One quickly becomes aware when talking to many of my peers that they are simply thinking and saying what they ought to think and say. I even find such gross behavior in myself many times. This has convinced me that the only 100% non-narcissistic people- and therefore the only 100% unique people- are the saints. But there is more. Even the seemingly meek and mild “underdog” who thinks that he is always being singled out at the office or picked on at school is conforming to a media-influenced role and spending an inordinate amount of time in his mental life thinking about himself. This was illustrated perfectly in a story told to me by a very wise priest. An individual came to him frequently while struggling with bouts of insecurity and interpersonal conflicts. The man would constantly complain, “Why do they keep singling me out at work. You know I can’t hear what their saying, but I can tell it is about me by the way they look at me. They don’t want to recognize my usefulness in the company.” This person may sound like the most non-narcissistic person in the world. The poor thing! He needs to develop his self-esteem. However, the priests response was very different. He replied, “What makes you so unique and difficult to understand that would cause your whole office to constantly speak about you? What if they think about you a lot less than you believe they think about you?”

The man did not need to constantly run around reminding everyone of his beauty and his skills. His suspicions about his coworkers revealed the truth: he was convinced that everyone else was as preoccupied with him as he was. Again, in his mind, he was- at least subconsciously- the leading male part in an intricate drama. The fact that his “role” made him a misunderstood victim instead of a handsome hero does not detract one bit from his spiritually unhealthy preoccupation with himself.

And so, narcissism consumes us little by little. We are given frequent suggestions by the church to keep us from focusing on ourselves. The Church tells us to go and live in subjection to others and in relationships with others that require us to give more of ourselves than we are comfortable giving. It does not matter whether these responsibility-demanding relationships involve marrying and having children or selling all we have so that we can live in a coenobitic house with a monastic community. Both methods are equally effective in that they make us forget ourselves just a little and live for someone else. We are assuming here that the person enters into either of these two relationships in the way that these relationships are meant to be entered into. You can have a narcissistically disordered marriage which is entered into in order to “be happy” or “be fulfilled”… whatever the hell that means. The Church marries people to save them, not to make them happy. Most of the marriages in this age are of the narcissistic type, I think. And as for the monastic life, I direct all readers of this post to the icon for the Sunday of the Last Judgment. On the lower right-hand corner in the flames, one can easily notice that the majority of the figures are bearded and wearing monastic cowls. Most of the others are bishops and priests.

The Church also gives us spiritual fathers and mothers, fasts, vigils, mortifications, the lives of the saints, the Sacraments, etc. In her holy icons, we see figures portrayed in a consistent, dispassionate, and simple form according to strict rules that govern the arrangement of the subjects. The saint in an icon is sort of an “anti-celebrity”. He or she is locked into a particular pose, stance, arrangement and setting over and over again no matter how many times he or she is portrayed. They are always presented in the context of the background of the icon (usually pure gold representing paradise)- something that you can’t get from a free standing statue*. They stand out by virtue of where they are (heaven) and by who put them there (the Lord). I can find no better cure for the “garden variety narcissism” and self centeredness of most humans. We will only be real humans as God designed us to be if we put ourselves at the bottom and forget ourselves just bit. If we can do that, then God will give us the greatest reward we could ever ask for. He will make us a direct participant in His blessed life. He could never settle for just letting us have a mere intellectual knowledge or “vision” of Him. Instead, He will make us by grace what He is by nature. And so, we will always love Him and live with Him- with the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Both now and forever, and unto the ages of ages.


* A small note to all my brothers and sisters in the Western Rite of the Orthodox Church- I certainly don’t see a problem with having some statues in church, since this is an ancient tradition and a very special feature in the Western Church. My comment simply indicates my personal feelings of why 2d icons have a slight theological “advantage” over statues, but this doesn’t mean that statues don’t fill their own architectural and decorative role. It may be harder to produce a tasteful and non-kitschy statue than it is to produce a tasteful and non-kitschy icon, but many of the marble, unpainted statues with real golden haloes that I’ve seen in Western churches are simply breathtaking.